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Home - D - Doctor Jokes

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a doctor.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Fred: "Why are you so upset?"
Harry: "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."
Fred: "So what?"
Harry: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'."

Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."
Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."

Doctor: It's bad news, I'm afraid. You've only got five minutes to live.
Patient: But doctor, isn't there anything you can do for me?
Doctor, after some thought: Well, I could boil you an egg.

Did you hear about the vain monster who was going bald?
The doctor couldn't do a hair transplant for him so he shrunk his head to fit his hair.

A man rushed into the doctor's office, jumped on the doctor's back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!"
"Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, struggling to free himself.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Well, doctor," said the eccentric man, "they did say I could count on you!"

Doctor, doctor, there's an invisible ghost in the waiting room.
Tell him I can't see him without an appointment.

Doctor: Good morning, Mrs Feather. Haven't seen you for a long time.
Mrs Feather: I know, doctor. It's because I've been ill.

What did the vampire sing to the doctor who cured him of amnesia?
Fangs for the Memory.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm turning into a frog.
Oh, you're just playing too much croquet.

Boy: Mom, mom I've just swallowed a spider.
Mom: Shall I get the doctor to give you something for it?
Boy: No, let it starve to death.

Ghost: Doctor I want to go on a diet.
Doctor: Why do you want to do that?
Ghost: Because I want to keep my ghoulish figure.

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a frog.
What's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak.

"What did the doctor say to you yesterday?" asked the teacher.
"He said I was allergic to horses."
"I've never heard of anyone suffering from that. What's the condition called?"
"Bronco-itis."

"Ugh! You smell terrible," said a doctor to a patient.
"That's odd," said the patient, "That's what the other doctor said."
"If you were told that by another doctor, why have you come to me?"
"Because I wanted a second opinion."

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.

Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.

"Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman.

"I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

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