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What did the witch write in her Christmas card?
Best vicious of the season.

For our next Christmas dinner I'm going to cross a turkey with an octopus.
What on earth for?
So we can all have a leg each.

At Christmas the school went to a special service in church. The teacher asked if they had enjoyed it, and if they had behaved themselves. "Oh yes, ma'am," said Brenda. "A lady came round and offered us a plate full of money, but we all said no thank you."

Two teachers were reminiscing about their deprived childhood. "I lived in a tough neighborhood," said the first. "People were afraid to walk the streets after dark." "That's nothing," said the other, "Whenever I hung my Christmas stocking up by the fireplace, Santa Claus stole it."

A child one Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manger, the shepherds, Jesus, and the Holy Family were duly admired. "But what's that in the corner?" asked mother. "Oh, that's their TV," replied the child.

Alfie had been listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "That's nice of you Alfie," she said, "why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

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