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Home - B - Bus Jokes

Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.

How do eels get around the seabed?
They go by octobus.

Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York, please.
Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not, I'm in the bus queue, aren't I?

What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
Hop on.

Why did the bat miss the bus?
Because he hung around for too long.

What do monsters play when they are in the bus?
Squash.

What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?
I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!

What kinds of wizards can jump higher than a bus?
All kinds - buses can't jump.

What's big and red and lies upside down in a gutter?
A dead bus.

Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare?
Because he was skint.

Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." "And if you were a lady," replied Roger, "you'd stand up and let four people sit down."

What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again.
Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late.
Teacher: Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.

How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?
Throw it under a bus. Passenger:

Will this bus take me to New York?
Driver: Which part?
Passenger: All of me, of course!

As the bus came to the stop, the man at the front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and caught it before getting on the bus. An amazed conductor said, 'What on earth did you do that for?' 'I wanted to know if there was room on top,' replied the man.

When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.

A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. There's no room,' they said. 'It's full up!'
'But you must let me on!' shouted the man.
'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked.
I'm the driver,' replied the man.

Why did the bus stop?
Because it saw the zebra crossing.

What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head?
Dead.

Passenger: Does this bus go to London?
Conductor: No.
Passenger: But it says London on the front. Conductor: There's an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don't sell them!

Sam left work after a tiring day. 'Take the bus home,' suggested a friend. 'My mother would only make me take it back,' Sam said.

Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself?
Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus.

Conductor, this bus was very slow!
Oh, I expect we'll pick up speed now you're getting off!

Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today?
No. Is there a strike?
No, they're stopping to let the passengers off.

What have I got in my hands?
A double decker bus!
You looked!

Do buses and trains run on time?
Usually, yes.
No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.

Does this bus stop at the river?
If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.

Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?
I should say not, on my salary!

'Is everyone in the bus?' asked the driver before he closed the door.

'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I get my clothes on.'

All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.

What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

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