Home - B - Birthday Jokes
Young vampire: Dad, dad, I know what you're getting for your birthday.
Vampire: Really? How?
Young vampire: I felt your presence.
First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy: What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.
Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday
. . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake." "Well, today is his birthday."
Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?
Harry: No. Why?
Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
I'd like to say
something nice about you as it's your birthday.
Because I can't think of a single thing to say!
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his
eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And
I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with
crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm
What did you get for your birthday?
When is your birthday?
Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his
girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.
He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, 'Use this
all over yourself and think of me.'
Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.
Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again.
How can you be so sure?
I was 10 years old yesterday.
How old were you on your last birthday?
And how old will you be on your next birthday?
Oh, I don't think that's possible.
Oh, yes it is - I'm nine today.
Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
I forgot my brother's birthday last month.
What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet.
Will you come to my party on Saturday?
Yes, please, What's the address?
25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow.
Why with my elbow?
Well, you won't be empty-handed, will you!
I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present.
What did you get her?
A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost £20.
£20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!
Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday.
Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened
he'll break it!
What's the greatest birthday present?
Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.