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Home - B - Bed Jokes

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
Bed buglars.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
A snake charmer.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?

A cannibal known as Ned
ate potato chips in his bed.
His mother said, Sonny
It's not very funny
Why don't you eat people instead?

Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed?
Son: I couldn't find a spider.

Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.
Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.
Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed.
What shall I do?
Hide the tiddley winks.

Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well.
Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.

The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board, but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.

A little boy came downstairs crying late one night.
"What's wrong?" asked his mother.
"Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed.
"In a way they do," said his mother.
"And when they die so they turn back to dust?"
"Yes, they do."
The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."

Doctor, doctor, every night I dream there are a thousand monsters under my bed.
What can I do?
Saw the legs off your bed.

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
"But where will you keep it?" said the second.
"Your yard's much too small for a pig!"
"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.
"But what about the smell?"
"He'll soon get used to that."

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep.
Why was that?
She had taken the bed.

Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?
He wrote sheet music.

I don't think my Mom knows much about children.
Why do you say that? Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!

I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed.
Did you have a big role?
No, just toast and marmalade.

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake?
She spent the night popping out of bed.

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?

You can't have any more chocolates tonight. It's not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach.
Oh, Mum. I promise I'll lay on my side.

I'd like to buy a bed, please.
Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?
Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

Three boys were sharing the same bed on holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided to sleep on the floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he might as well get in to bed again. There's lots of room now,' he said.

How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long in it.

I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed.

Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all.

Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage.

I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I?
A bed

A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house after dark.

'Hello, Jenny,' said the neighbour. 'Isn't it time for little girls to be in bed?'

'How would I know?' asked Jenny. 'I haven't got any little girls.'

Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

Why do people go to bed?
Because the bed won't come to them.

Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
No, because it hasn't been made up yet.

Why did the bed spread?
Because it saw the pillow slip.

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