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Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows?
Because at last he was in the noose.

Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own?
Actor: Whose do you think they are?

Fred: I'd love to be an actress.
Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for?
Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.

Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years.
Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.

An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative.'

So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk.

`So you do bird impressions,' said the agent, `what else can you do?'

What's the definition of a good actor?
Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

"Jason," said the minister, "you've written here that Samson was an actor. What makes you think that?"
"Well, sir," said Jason, "I read that he brought the house down."

Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?
Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?
Neighbour: Off.

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

`What's the matter?' asked the director.

`I can't jump from that board!' said the actor. `Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?'

'Yes,' said the director. `We don't want you to drown, you know.'

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
Because it's all play.

Who stars in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood.

Why do actors like snooker halls?
Because that's where they get their best cues.

Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.
Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?
Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

Fred: Who was the most popular actor in the Bible?
Harry: Samson. Why?
Fred: Because he brought the house down.

Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?
Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.


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